Mike graduated from BYU in the year 2003 and in 2004 we bought a four bedroom, formal living and dining, 2400 sq ft house. It was lovely and big and on the end of a pretty street. And it was a mess. I went from living in tiny apartments with one child to having two children and 9 rooms and 3 bathrooms to keep clean and beautified. I was 25 years old and overwhelmed - so quickly it unraveled into a mess and me into depression.
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| Elijah and Andrew in 2006. |
I tried everything to make myself into a perfect housewife. I read books on order and organization, I had my super clean friends come over and try to teach me skills, I made charts and lists galore, I read "fly lady" - I even tried medications. Sadly, NONE of them worked for longer than a week. I'd feel hopeful and then something would happen, a trip, a party, a sickness, anything - and it would all fall through. And it hurt my feelings - I was ashamed. Just as my mother was ashamed when her house was messy as so many women across the world are. Also though, to address some of my shame we should go back even further.
In high school I had a crush on a boy - many boys really - but this one was particularly powerful and one day while hanging out I said something about how my house was going to be clean when I grew up and he started to laugh - a deep side splitting belly laugh - and he said, "Megan, your house will NEVER be clean!" I was mortified. What boy would want to marry a girl if he already believed she'd be a terrible housewife? So I became determined to prove him wrong - I was sure I could. And I didn't forget that promise that I made to myself. So once I became a wife with a house - every week that passed I knew that he was the one who was right - somehow he knew that I would be messy. I was horrified that "messy slob" must be written all over me without me knowing it. I was so embarrassed. I can't tell you how many of those nights I cried to my husband about how I was given talents but all of them lay outside of the realm of what gives wives and mothers worth and value. That he must be disapointed to find that his wife couldn't clean and keep house. I felt so broken and I felt hurt that the Lord would play that trick on me. I longed to be like my mother in law who was the perfect housewife. I didn't want to be "creative" - I wanted to be CLEAN!!!
And then something big happened. I was telling my lovely friend Sarah Moyar that I just couldn't seem to keep my house clean and Sarah said very confidently, "I'm not organized, I'm vivacious!" It was the first time I had heard a wife and mother speak placing so little of her worth on the cleanliness of her home. She was freed from the guilt and shame that plagues so many of us. She gave herself permission to have talents other than cleaning and organizing and in that moment she gave me that permission too. I didn't feel better overnight but it was a new idea to me - a tiny spark in my head that I pondered on and continued to explore over the next several years.
When Mike and I moved from that house we moved to College Station and met a lot of other couples our age with lots of little ones to take care of. And a few times I dropped by their houses unexpectedly and saw that their houses looked just as trashed as mine! Perhaps I should be a little easier on myself. Perhaps not all of us became expert housewives overnight.
But perhaps the thing that had the greatest impact was taking a personality test from a book I recommend ALL of you get called, "Please Understand Me II". In my personality type it said that I'd be terrible at keeping a house clean. I kind of hated that and was a little embarrassed until I realized I was looking at it wrong - it DID say I wasn't much of an organized person but it ALSO listed all of the things I WAS good at. Why bury those things in the ground and try to multiply something that isn't there? The Lord made me the way he did and would be upset with me if I came back to him and hadn't multiplied what he gave ME. Think of the parable:
And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.
Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.
And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.
But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.
After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them.
And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more.
His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them.
His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed:
And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo,there thou hast that is thine.
His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:
Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.
Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.
For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.
I now know that if I were to keep spinning my wheels trying to become like the lady next door instead of being like myself I too would have to say to the Lord, "I was afraid that I was made wrong so I went and hid my natural abilities in the earth and tried to be someone else." Not only would I never be like her but my family and the world would also lose out on what I am good at. And there is so much more to being a wife and mother than cleaning. I can't clean very well but I can believe in you and support you till the ends of the earth. I can't keep on schedule but I can teach you the beauty of the world we live in and how to never stop exploring and learning. I can't see when the floor needs to be mopped but I can see the good in others and what makes them unique. And you know what? My house has gotten cleaner because the guilt has left. I am more in control of my life and my path. And I'm more willing to celebrate those clean women - they are gifted in ways I never will be. But I in turn am gifted in other ways they never will be. Does the rose look jealously at the lily and vice versa? No, we need all sorts of flowers and people. I'll finish with another really beautiful quote from Joseph B. Wirthlin:
The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.
This variety of creation itself is a testament of how the Lord values all His children. He does not esteem one flesh above another, but He “inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; … all are alike unto God.”
