Here piggy piggy....

So, yes, we got ourselves a couple of pigs.  We actually bought them a couple weeks ago but they weren't weaned yet so we had to wait until this week to get them.  We were so anxious to get them that when the day arrived and the owner said we'd have to wait to get them because she had to make an emergency trip to the dentist we were pretty bummed.  OR she said we could just go on our own without her and get them.  So, we loaded up, made the drive to Colville, WA and got those pigs.  And it was great.

Wait, no, it was actually really really REALLY awful.  It actually was so terrible that on the drive home I was sure I had made a mistake about pigs and actually being a farmer in general.  Speaking of which, having your dreams come true on days when you are really hormonal is a bummer.  Here you are finally doing the thing you've dreamed about for years and all you feel is rage rippling through your body every time your child whines followed by the desire to cry.  So, ya, that's where I'm at.  Anyhow, getting the pigs...

We pulled up and I left three of my four kids in the car while my oldest and I climbed into the pig "pen".  This pen was a little shed built out of plywood with about 8x8x8 dimensions.  Inside there was a VERY large lactating sow and probably ten or so piglets - all laying in sticky, wet, slightly frozen mud...mingled with pig poop.  In this instance I am tempted to use a stronger word for poop because "poop" sounds cute and slightly clean and flowery compared with the stuff that was several inches deep in there.  It was foul.  So we started by trying to corner the piglets so we could grab them.  Which created LOTS of squealing.  Have you ever heard a piglet squeal?  It's LOUD.  Try having 10 piglets squealing in an 8x8 plywood dungeon of poop.  It's disturbing.  And mother pig agreed that it was disturbing that there were two humans terrorizing her babies and making a chorus of blood curdling squeals.  So she started in on the fun by grunted loudly - more like a growl - then charging us.  So as we are sliding around in this hell hole trying to grab these 30 pound piglets we also are being chased by a 300+ lb momma.  It was impossible.  It actually terrified and humbled me so much that I turned to prayer.  I can't remember if that was before or after I screamed at the momma, "I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR BABIES!!!"  After my prayer was uttered I remembered that we had some french fries on the floor of the car - you know, naturally - we had just had lunch at McDonald's.  So I sent Elijah for a few.  When he got back I had him feed very hungry and very mean momma while I grabbed a piglet by it's back leg.  Grabbing it by it's other back leg, I lifted it into the air.  At which moment it stopped squealing and Elijah, momma pig, and I stared in silence...for a moment.  But then the piglet starting squealing EVEN louder and flailing all over the place and momma started to charge - so I grabbed that thing like a football(pigskin?) and jumped out.  Shakily I shoved the crap covered baby into the cat carrier in the back of my car, and walked back to the pen - noting that several goats and a couple horses had come over to watch the show.

I should mention that at this point the dream of being a farmer had left me.

I climbed back in and did it again - this time finding that momma didn't give me a moment before charging.  It felt like slow motion.  My heart was pounding, I was weak and as I jumped over the wall I noticed that I could see the whites of momma pigs eyes VERY clearly.  Elijah followed as I shoved pig number two into the carrier.  After which realizing that I was C-O-V-E-R-E-D in poop.  Disgusting, green, thick, sticky poop - everywhere.  Since there was no one home to let us in to clean up, we shoved our hands into the snow and tried scrubbing them off that way.  I also remembered I hadn't finished my water from lunch and poured about a quarter cup of ice water onto my hands to "clean" them.   Unsuccessful with getting clean, we got into the car and got out of there.

The drive home took over an hour and a half.  The car reeked so badly that my stomach was churning, Asher cried the entire way home and I had no strength left in me.  Except for that rage I was talking about.  I didn't even want to bring the pigs home.  I didn't want to see another pig ever again.  EVER.  Elijah summed it up when he said, "Mom, I am going to have no problem killing those pigs."

Luckily, when we got home and let them into their clean and comparatively palatial pen - they looked cute.  They snorted around, rooting through the dirt, and looked happy.  So we were happy.  We had ourselves some pigs.